Feelings....

Someone I admire, Dina Wakely, is an amazing scrapbook artist, who travels the world over, sharing her skills with all. She has an amazing style that I truly enjoy looking at. What catches my eye is always her journaling. She takes the time to Journal, not just slap a picture on a page. I was reading an interview that she had done, and learned that she always tries to capture, in her journaling, the event, the details, but if she cannot remember those, she always remembers the feelings. Hmmm...Remember the feelings. I am rather OCD, detail oriented, and sometimes forget the feelings. Or, maybe, I put them under the rug so I don't have to feel them.

Yesterday, after weeks of interview after interview, sweet hubby was told that, after being one of the top two candidates for this wonderful, fantastic, perfect-for-him, his passion, job...that he was not the one selected. I was crushed. I was just sooooo sure that THIS was the answer...that this was his, and our, reward for enduring time of a job that he hates, that is not what he likes to do, but that he faithfully endures, even with less pay, so he can feed us, and keep a roof over our heads, and let us go to the dentist and the doctor and get medicine. I just thought that, heck, after a guy had sacrificed and endured the never ending reorganizations and the "oh, you made it through this layoff...safe till October", that maybe, just maybe, he would get to LOVE what he does again. Heck...he's 53 years old. I was just so sure...

I was dusting today...and realized that I had even planned where on the shelf I would put his mementos from this position. Tears...more tears. Sometimes, it is so unfair. (Feelings, people...this is real!) On top of it, last night, I had to type an invoice for our home business. The date on the computer invoice was February 18, 2008...and the amount we are getting paid is just the same. I just changed the date. Which small business owner still gets paid (gross) the same amount they got paid on February 18, 2008? And we don't want to ask for more...we NEED to save money, so a little is better than none. (Yep, company announced another reorganization...people get shuffled...makes it easier to get more out the door). I was just so ... Well, all that other stuff that I would just put under the rug came rushing out...the 24 year old son that I didn't even hear from on his birthday...and I still don't know where he is, the sink faucet that broke...and it's replacement that gives me a bath every time I turn it on...and the guy on Craigslist who was gonna sell us a new one and we waited for 4 days...and finally called him to find out he decided not to sell it, the dizziness I am feeling, the worry over a diabetic young adult who is not very good at looking at her blood glucose and has gone convulsively LOW four times in the last three months...so I am up checking her all night to see if she is okay and warm, the fact that I have been feeling so crummy this year, moreso than ever, and I have cut out sugar and bad fat and anything else that might impair health, the bedroom ceiling that is...well, it was damaged in a horrible storm 15 years ago, and it's not fixed, the fact that now we won't have a job that will make even a little more money and so I have to go back to watching every single penny, the people at Jackson Hewitt who WONT respond to my inquiries regarding income tax preparation courses...I have been asking over and over and over since May, and the list could go on and on. Feelings...

Well, Dena, I think it's time for some happy feelings. The kind you seem to find in all your work. Today...I got a text from a sweet little grandson who is very close to the Spirit, who ALWAYS seems to text me when I am the most down... This sweet seven year old memorized all 13 Articles of Faith! He's seven! He then sent me a recorded message of him reciting the 13th one (look at it...it is so long! and he did it word perfect!) He told me that he and his sister and brother and Mommy were going to a new park today: Bug Park. All of a sudden...POOF! Gone! Now, if I think, those feelings do come back...but then I am now thinking of an amazing seven year old, and a beautiful, bubbly almost four year old, and a sweet, smiley (except when he sees Grammy), cuddly almost 9 month old laughing and playing and running, and hopefully seeing the best bugs in Las Vegas, or anywhere. Yep, feelings...